Encounter with my Shadow

Dancer Pose

“You are on the air in 5 seconds, 4-3-2-1”… And so my journey as a radio show host has begun.

It has been an interesting two weeks, to say the least.  No matter how much preparation, there is always something unexpected.  Right off the starting line, the music file did not play automatically as I had set.  And so my already chattering nerves frayed.  Then I had to introduce myself.  Sigh.  Giving my life story to the public brought out all vestiges of self-esteem issues from the depths of my being, grinning at me like a bright red beacon I could not stand.  “Your life is hardly worth telling.  No one is interested.  You are talking too much…”  My nerves got worse.   The studio buttons have a delayed reaction I never noticed before.   My producer thought I spoke before the mute engaged, disrupting the music.  My sound was off by a magnitude, way too soft and staticky.  And after what seemed an eternity, the debut show was over.

An hour later, I was brave enough to listen to the replay.  I had to, to write down what all went wrong technically.  It was a cringing moment.  But actually, I was not as bad as I thought.  The next day, I had to listen again, to check the editing.  Lo and behold, I thought I was quite decent.  In fact, I even thought I might be worth listening to!  Exactly what changed in 24 hours?  My perception.  My blood pressure.  This is why detectives take eye witness accounts with a grain of salt.

The second show came and went with a different test.  No longer superficial nerves and technology. Way deeper.  Like the Eagle Pose, I can stand on one leg in a yoga studio no problem, but can I do it alone on stage in front of a room full of experienced yoga practitioners?   And then I began to think that maybe I should have attempted the more difficult Lord of the Dance Pose instead.  Doubting myself again.  Where is my center?  My radio show content is channeled from Quan Yin.  It is not for me to decide what is right and what is not!  There is no room for my ego here.  Sigh.  I quiver with anticipation of further encounters with my own shadow.

Incidentally, shadow is the topic of my show this week.  Survival consciousness, choice.  If you feel inclined to tune in, I would be honored with your virtual presence, live on Thursday at 10am Pacific:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/superintelligencewellness/2012/05/03/do-you-really-choose, archive listen at anytime.

Thanks for your compassion,



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